Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
by G. K. Chesterton
The Theatre of G. K. Chesterton: fifteen scenes on a cardboard stage. Stand the page on its head, crank a commonplace into a paradox, find out why the fence is there, catch the invisible man, unmask the days of the week, draw with the chalk under your feet, chase your hat, cable home from Market Harborough, argue with a madman, crank the sun up again, drive the chariot of orthodoxy, lighten the angels, and lower the largest man in Fleet Street until his garden becomes the world. With all 622 remarks and ten essays, every word kept.
tags: chesterton, essays, paradox, faith, tradition, humility, wonder, edwardian, toy-theatre, father-brown
Chesterton loved the toy theatre, the penny-plain and twopence-coloured sheets that Victorian children cut out and stood on a cardboard stage, and he defended it as better than the real thing: smaller, and therefore larger. So here he is, performed in one. Every scene is a thing to play with.
The curtain rises on his remarks, all six hundred and twenty-two of them, the way the old page opened: search them, sort them by topic or book, or pull one down from the flies.
Scene I. The Commonplace Book.
The Flies, above the Stage.
Had down 1 of 622still in the flies 621
622 slips answer
Cut along the dotted lines, or click a slip to let it down
Published by the Management, Beaconsfield. Penny plain; colour your own.
There is only one thing that it requires real courage to say, and that is a truism.
Scene II. The World Upside Down.
The Town of Assisi, as in a Pool.
Pull the lever and the whole room turns over for eight seconds. Escape, or the lever again, sets it right.
Readers who have stood on their heads: nobody yet
If a man saw the world upside down, with all the trees and towers hanging head downwards as in a pool, one effect would be to emphasise the idea of dependence. There is a Latin and literal connection; for the very word dependence only means hanging.
He thought one good way to see the world was upside down, as St Francis saw his town: every tile and every bird hanging in its dependence.
Scene III. The Paradox Press.
A Printing Office, Fleet Street.
The Paradox PressNo sheet yet
A clean sheet. Turn the crank; the press prints what it likes.
Copy I of XIV · the commonplace
Tradition is the tyranny of the dead.
On the bed, set from copy: Tradition is the tyranny of the dead.
Commonplaces set: one. Commonplaces printed: none.
I mean the printer’s tendency to turn the word “cosmic” into the word “comic.” It annoyed me at the time. But since then I have come to the conclusion that the printers were right.
He made a living from turning a commonplace inside out until it told the truth. The press does the turning.
Scene IV. The Fence.
A Road in the Country.
- Behind it (the next field)not yet known
- In front of it (this field)not yet known
- Hung by (the farmhouse)not yet known
- Because (ask the old woman)not yet known
The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, “I don’t see the use of this; let us clear it away.” To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: “If you don’t see the use of it, I certainly won’t let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.”
From The Thing (1929): before you take a fence down, find out why it was put up.
Scene V. The Invisible Man.
A Crescent in the Snow, before Himylaya Mansions.
The story so far
Isidore Smythe, who makes clockwork servants, has vanished from the top of Himylaya Mansions. Four honest men were set to watch the only door, and the snow has come down. Question them, or anyone on the stage.
Dramatis Personae
“All language is used like that; you never get a question answered literally, even when you get it answered truly.”
His detective was a small priest with an umbrella, who solved crimes by knowing what people do not notice.
Scene VI. The Council of Days.
A Balcony over Leicester Square, at Breakfast.
Anarchists remaining: 7. Policemen discovered: 0.
Ch. V, The Feast of Fear
“…now it looked as if the big man was entertaining five children to tea.”
The big man is Sunday, the President. The six others are named for the days of the week. Pull a tab and see who is under the disguise.
| Day | As billed | In fact |
|---|---|---|
| Sunday | The President | not yet known |
| Monday | The Secretary | not yet known |
| Tuesday | Gogol, a Pole | not yet known |
| Wednesday | The Marquis de St. Eustache | not yet known |
| Thursday | Gabriel Syme, a poet | not yet known |
| Friday | Professor de Worms | not yet known |
| Saturday | Dr. Bull | not yet known |
| Below | A policeman | a policeman |
“They say we are a lot of jolly gentlemen who pretend they are anarchists.”
The Man Who Was Thursday (1908) is a nightmare in which every anarchist turns out to be a policeman, and the President turns out to be something larger.
Scene VII. A Piece of Chalk.
The South Downs, a Morning all Blue and Silver.
Chalks in pocket: six. White: left behind.
Six bright chalks and a sheet of brown paper. Choose a chalk and draw. The white one is missing.
I was sitting on an immense warehouse of white chalk. The landscape was made entirely out of white chalk.
Read the whole essayA Piece of ChalkTremendous Trifles, 1909
I remember one splendid morning, all blue and silver, in the summer holidays when I reluctantly tore myself away from the task of doing nothing in particular, and put on a hat of some sort and picked up a walking-stick, and put six very bright-coloured chalks in my pocket. I then went into the kitchen (which, along with the rest of the house, belonged to a very square and sensible old woman in a Sussex village), and asked the owner and occupant of the kitchen if she had any brown paper. She had a great deal; in fact, she had too much; and she mistook the purpose and the rationale of the existence of brown paper. She seemed to have an idea that if a person wanted brown paper he must be wanting to tie up parcels; which was the last thing I wanted to do; indeed, it is a thing which I have found to be beyond my mental capacity. Hence she dwelt very much on the varying qualities of toughness and endurance in the material. I explained to her that I only wanted to draw pictures on it, and that I did not want them to endure in the least; and that from my point of view, therefore, it was a question, not of tough consistency, but of responsive surface, a thing comparatively irrelevant in a parcel. When she understood that I wanted to draw she offered to overwhelm me with note-paper, apparently supposing that I did my notes and correspondence on old brown paper wrappers from motives of economy.
I then tried to explain the rather delicate logical shade, that I not only liked brown paper, but liked the quality of brownness in paper, just as I liked the quality of brownness in October woods, or in beer, or in the peat-streams of the North. Brown paper represents the primal twilight of the first toil of creation, and with a bright-coloured chalk or two you can pick out points of fire in it, sparks of gold, and blood-red, and sea-green, like the first fierce stars that sprang out of divine darkness. All this I said (in an off-hand way) to the old woman; and I put the brown paper in my pocket along with the chalks, and possibly other things. I suppose every one must have reflected how primeval and how poetical are the things that one carries in one’s pocket; the pocket-knife, for instance, the type of all human tools, the infant of the sword. Once I planned to write a book of poems entirely about the things in my pockets. But I found it would be too long; and the age of the great epics is past.
With my stick and my knife, my chalks and my brown paper, I went out on to the great downs. I crawled across those colossal contours that express the best quality of England, because they are at the same time soft and strong. The smoothness of them has the same meaning as the smoothness of great cart-horses, or the smoothness of the beech-tree; it declares in the teeth of our timid and cruel theories that the mighty are merciful. As my eye swept the landscape, the landscape was as kindly as any of its cottages, but for power it was like an earthquake. The villages in the immense valley were safe, one could see, for centuries; yet the lifting of the whole land was like the lifting of one enormous wave to wash them all away.
I crossed one swell of living turf after another, looking for a place to sit down and draw. Do not, for heaven’s sake, imagine I was going to sketch from Nature. I was going to draw devils and seraphim, and blind old gods that men worshipped before the dawn of right, and saints in robes of angry crimson, and seas of strange green, and all the sacred or monstrous symbols that look so well in bright colours on brown paper. They are much better worth drawing than Nature; also they are much easier to draw. When a cow came slouching by in the field next to me, a mere artist might have drawn it; but I always get wrong in the hind legs of quadrupeds. So I drew the soul of the cow; which I saw there plainly walking before me in the sunlight; and the soul was all purple and silver, and had seven horns and the mystery that belongs to all the beasts. But though I could not with a crayon get the best out of the landscape, it does not follow that the landscape was not getting the best out of me. And this, I think, is the mistake that people make about the old poets who lived before Wordsworth, and were supposed not to care very much about Nature because they did not describe it much.
They preferred writing about great men to writing about great hills; but they sat on the great hills to write it. They gave out much less about Nature, but they drank in, perhaps, much more. They painted the white robes of their holy virgins with the blinding snow, at which they had stared all day. They blazoned the shields of their paladins with the purple and gold of many heraldic sunsets. The greenness of a thousand green leaves clustered into the live green figure of Robin Hood. The blueness of a score of forgotten skies became the blue robes of the Virgin. The inspiration went in like sunbeams and came out like Apollo.
But as I sat scrawling these silly figures on the brown paper, it began to dawn on me, to my great disgust, that I had left one chalk, and that a most exquisite and essential chalk, behind. I searched all my pockets, but I could not find any white chalk. Now, those who are acquainted with all the philosophy (nay, religion) which is typified in the art of drawing on brown paper, know that white is positive and essential. I cannot avoid remarking here upon a moral significance. One of the wise and awful truths which this brown-paper art reveals, is this, that white is a colour. It is not a mere absence of colour; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. When, so to speak, your pencil grows red-hot, it draws roses; when it grows white-hot, it draws stars. And one of the two or three defiant verities of the best religious morality, of real Christianity, for example, is exactly this same thing; the chief assertion of religious morality is that white is a colour. Virtue is not the absence of vices or the avoidance of moral dangers; virtue is a vivid and separate thing, like pain or a particular smell. Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has either seen or not seen.
Chastity does not mean abstention from sexual wrong; it means something flaming, like Joan of Arc. In a word, God paints in many colours; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white. In a sense our age has realised this fact, and expressed it in our sullen costume. For if it were really true that white was a blank and colourless thing, negative and non-committal, then white would be used instead of black and grey for the funeral dress of this pessimistic period. We should see city gentlemen in frock coats of spotless silver linen, with top hats as white as wonderful arum lilies. Which is not the case.
Meanwhile, I could not find my chalk.
I sat on the hill in a sort of despair. There was no town nearer than Chichester at which it was even remotely probable that there would be such a thing as an artist’s colourman. And yet, without white, my absurd little pictures would be as pointless as the world would be if there were no good people in it. I stared stupidly round, racking my brain for expedients. Then I suddenly stood up and roared with laughter, again and again, so that the cows stared at me and called a committee. Imagine a man in the Sahara regretting that he had no sand for his hour-glass. Imagine a gentleman in mid-ocean wishing that he had brought some salt water with him for his chemical experiments. I was sitting on an immense warehouse of white chalk. The landscape was made entirely out of white chalk. White chalk was piled more miles until it met the sky. I stooped and broke a piece off the rock I sat on; it did not mark so well as the shop chalks do; but it gave the effect. And I stood there in a trance of pleasure, realising that this Southern England is not only a grand peninsula, and a tradition and a civilisation; it is something even more admirable. It is a piece of chalk.
Text: Project Gutenberg eBook #8092.
The essay this scene comes from is in the Penny Library below, every word of it.
Scene VIII. On Running After One’s Hat.
London, in a High Wind.
A gentleman, a silk hat, a gusty morning. Penny plain.
Act I of IV0:000 lungesthe public: 0 guffaws
Steer him with the pointer, or drag a finger sideways along the stage; click or tap to lunge. Keys: arrows run, Shift and an arrow creeps, Space lunges. Come up slowly, and lunge in a lull.
He might regard himself as a jolly huntsman pursuing a wild animal, for certainly no animal could be wilder.
The essay, wholeOn Running After One’s HatAll Things Considered, 1908 · six minutes
I feel an almost savage envy on hearing that London has been flooded in my absence, while I am in the mere country. My own Battersea has been, I understand, particularly favoured as a meeting of the waters. Battersea was already, as I need hardly say, the most beautiful of human localities. Now that it has the additional splendour of great sheets of water, there must be something quite incomparable in the landscape (or waterscape) of my own romantic town. Battersea must be a vision of Venice. The boat that brought the meat from the butcher’s must have shot along those lanes of rippling silver with the strange smoothness of the gondola. The greengrocer who brought cabbages to the corner of the Latchmere Road must have leant upon the oar with the unearthly grace of the gondolier. There is nothing so perfectly poetical as an island; and when a district is flooded it becomes an archipelago.
Some consider such romantic views of flood or fire slightly lacking in reality. But really this romantic view of such inconveniences is quite as practical as the other. The true optimist who sees in such things an opportunity for enjoyment is quite as logical and much more sensible than the ordinary “Indignant Ratepayer” who sees in them an opportunity for grumbling. Real pain, as in the case of being burnt at Smithfield or having a toothache, is a positive thing; it can be supported, but scarcely enjoyed. But, after all, our toothaches are the exception, and as for being burnt at Smithfield, it only happens to us at the very longest intervals. And most of the inconveniences that make men swear or women cry are really sentimental or imaginative inconveniences – things altogether of the mind. For instance, we often hear grown-up people complaining of having to hang about a railway station and wait for a train. Did you ever hear a small boy complain of having to hang about a railway station and wait for a train? No; for to him to be inside a railway station is to be inside a cavern of wonder and a palace of poetical pleasures. Because to him the red light and the green light on the signal are like a new sun and a new moon. Because to him when the wooden arm of the signal falls down suddenly, it is as if a great king had thrown down his staff as a signal and started a shrieking tournament of trains. I myself am of little boys’ habit in this matter. They also serve who only stand and wait for the two fifteen. Their meditations may be full of rich and fruitful things. Many of the most purple hours of my life have been passed at Clapham Junction, which is now, I suppose, under water. I have been there in many moods so fixed and mystical that the water might well have come up to my waist before I noticed it particularly. But in the case of all such annoyances, as I have said, everything depends upon the emotional point of view. You can safely apply the test to almost every one of the things that are currently talked of as the typical nuisance of daily life.
For instance, there is a current impression that it is unpleasant to have to run after one’s hat. Why should it be unpleasant to the well-ordered and pious mind? Not merely because it is running, and running exhausts one. The same people run much faster in games and sports. The same people run much more eagerly after an uninteresting little leather ball than they will after a nice silk hat. There is an idea that it is humiliating to run after one’s hat; and when people say it is humiliating they mean that it is comic. It certainly is comic; but man is a very comic creature, and most of the things he does are comic – eating, for instance. And the most comic things of all are exactly the things that are most worth doing – such as making love. A man running after a hat is not half so ridiculous as a man running after a wife.
Now a man could, if he felt rightly in the matter, run after his hat with the manliest ardour and the most sacred joy. He might regard himself as a jolly huntsman pursuing a wild animal, for certainly no animal could be wilder. In fact, I am inclined to believe that hat-hunting on windy days will be the sport of the upper classes in the future. There will be a meet of ladies and gentlemen on some high ground on a gusty morning. They will be told that the professional attendants have started a hat in such-and-such a thicket, or whatever be the technical term. Notice that this employment will in the fullest degree combine sport with humanitarianism. The hunters would feel that they were not inflicting pain. Nay, they would feel that they were inflicting pleasure, rich, almost riotous pleasure, upon the people who were looking on. When last I saw an old gentleman running after his hat in Hyde Park, I told him that a heart so benevolent as his ought to be filled with peace and thanks at the thought of how much unaffected pleasure his every gesture and bodily attitude were at that moment giving to the crowd.
The same principle can be applied to every other typical domestic worry. A gentleman trying to get a fly out of the milk or a piece of cork out of his glass of wine often imagines himself to be irritated. Let him think for a moment of the patience of anglers sitting by dark pools, and let his soul be immediately irradiated with gratification and repose. Again, I have known some people of very modern views driven by their distress to the use of theological terms to which they attached no doctrinal significance, merely because a drawer was jammed tight and they could not pull it out. A friend of mine was particularly afflicted in this way. Every day his drawer was jammed, and every day in consequence it was something else that rhymes to it. But I pointed out to him that this sense of wrong was really subjective and relative; it rested entirely upon the assumption that the drawer could, should, and would come out easily. “But if,” I said, “you picture to yourself that you are pulling against some powerful and oppressive enemy, the struggle will become merely exciting and not exasperating. Imagine that you are tugging up a lifeboat out of the sea. Imagine that you are roping up a fellow-creature out of an Alpine crevass. Imagine even that you are a boy again and engaged in a tug-of-war between French and English.” Shortly after saying this I left him; but I have no doubt at all that my words bore the best possible fruit. I have no doubt that every day of his life he hangs on to the handle of that drawer with a flushed face and eyes bright with battle, uttering encouraging shouts to himself, and seeming to hear all round him the roar of an applauding ring.
So I do not think that it is altogether fanciful or incredible to suppose that even the floods in London may be accepted and enjoyed poetically. Nothing beyond inconvenience seems really to have been caused by them; and inconvenience, as I have said, is only one aspect, and that the most unimaginative and accidental aspect of a really romantic situation. An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. The water that girdled the houses and shops of London must, if anything, have only increased their previous witchery and wonder. For as the Roman Catholic priest in the story said: “Wine is good with everything except water,” and on a similar principle, water is good with everything except wine.
Text: Project Gutenberg, All Things Considered (eBook #11505).
An inconvenience, he held, is only an adventure wrongly considered. Run.
Scene IX. Market Harborough.
A Railway Junction in the Midlands.
Now at Market HarboroughEngaged at somewhere; the letter is in another coat
On the spike: nothing yet.
Market Harborough. He has got out here, as people do at junctions, and the train has gone on without him. Write his telegram.
From the office file: Maisie Ward gives the reply in her life of him (1943), with the reason, which Frances told her later. She files a second wire as well, reply paid, from Snow Hill Station, Birmingham, to Charles Rowley of the Ancoats Brotherhood: “Am I coming to you tonight or what?” Answer: “Not this Tuesday but next Wednesday.”
“Am in Market Harborough. Where ought I to be?”
He was famously absent-minded and famously married well. His wife Frances usually knew where he was.
Scene X. The Penny Library.
A Bookstall in the Poorest District, by Gaslight.
Your pocket
One shilling, in pennies.
Takings 0d.
The MagistratePenny dreadfuls! Half the crimes of the Metropolis begin at that stall. Mark my words.
Crimes attributed to cheap literature: 0. Crimes committed: 0.
Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity.
In 1908 he wrote Orthodoxy, the book in which he explained how he came to believe what he believed. It begins in a lunatic asylum.
Scene XI. The Maniac’s Circle.
A Clean and Well-Lit Room.
Argue with him
A gentleman who knows that everyone is conspiring against him, in a chalk circle, in a clean and well-lit room. Argue with him, or open the window.
Arguments answered: 0Arguments won: 0The circle: perfect
The madman is not the man who has lost his reason. The madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason.
The cure for a mind going round in a circle, he thought, was wonder; and wonder starts in the nursery.
Scene XII. Do It Again.
A Meadow, Every Morning.
Dawn, by hand. Wind the crank and the sun comes up on its wire.
Sunrises: 0Daisies, each made separately: 8Papa: freshThe sun: as fresh as ever
They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.
He called orthodoxy the most exciting thing in the world: not a rut, but a balancing act at a gallop.
Scene XIII. The Chariot.
The Mountain Road of the Ages.
A chariot, four horses, a mountain road, and a ditch on either side. Off we go when you are ready.
Leg I of IVToo Worldly · Too Unworldly0 near things0 falls
Hold an arrow key, a Sway button, or a finger on either half of the stage to lean that way. The middle of the road is not a resting place: keep him on it for four legs as the pace rises.
The trick of the road, in his words: combining furious opposites, by keeping them both, and keeping them both furious.
It is easy to be a madman: it is easy to be a heretic. It is always easy to let the age have its head; the difficult thing is to keep one’s own.
And the secret of keeping one's balance, he said, is not to take oneself too seriously.
Scene XIV. Angels Take Themselves Lightly.
A Gold Sky.
Two angels on wires, who cannot get off the ground. Unhook their weights, one at a time.
A characteristic of the great saints is their power of levity. Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly. … Pride is the downward drag of all things into an easy solemnity. … It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light. Satan fell by the force of gravity.
And the last scene, from the essay that taught him that humility is a way of seeing.
Scene XV. A Defence of Humility.
A Small English Garden.
Size of the author6 ft 4 in, 20 st 6 lb
Size of the gardensmall
Enter Mr. Chesterton, the largest man in Fleet Street, into a garden rather smaller than himself.
That the trees are high and the grasses short is a mere accident of our own foot-rules and our own stature.
The curtain comes down; the paradox stays up.